


Arrows and Bonfires

by Shaebae



Series: Dreams [2]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Child Abandonment, Childhood Trauma, Drabble Collection, Fear, Ficlet Collection, Flashbacks, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Nightmares, Rape Aftermath, Sexual Abuse, unfinished fics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:28:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26144140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shaebae/pseuds/Shaebae
Summary: FitzWard Ficlets set in the world of Broken Wings. Things I wrote when inspiration for the main story wasn't happening.
Relationships: Leo Fitz/Grant Ward
Series: Dreams [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1877551
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12





	1. Chlorine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [chrisnightmare](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chrisnightmare/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Broken Wings](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25635217) by [Shaebae](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shaebae/pseuds/Shaebae). 



> These are titled by songs I was listening to while writing them. these fics have nothing to do with those songs.

Ward eventually got to the point where he could predict the engineer. Part of him still expected hardness and cruelty, but it was never delivered. He flinched still, when Fitz raised his hand too fast, and Fitz had done his best to reign in his explosive temper for Ward, to stop yelling when he was aggravated, to not throw things. Ward was, in his own turn, learning to listen more closely, learning to give in and trust that Fitz had his best interests at heart when he spoke. 

Which is why he was surprised to see Fitz sitting in his room, a pissed off expression on his face, so utterly unlike Fitz that Ward stumbled back and knelt, right there in the hallway, forgetting about anyone who could see him, just wanting to see that fond look Fitz always gave him. He didn't get it, and his heart pounded in his chest, wondering what he'd done. He lowered his head slowly, and Fitz didn't correct him, and that kicked Ward's anxiety into overdrive. He tried to keep his breathing even. 

"Explain this." Fitz said, tossing a burner phone Ward kept onto his lap from where he was sitting. Ward hadn't had time to get rid of his last burner phone that he used to contact Garrett.

"You searched my things." Ward said quietly, lowering his head further. 

"Yes I did." Fitz said unapologetically, and Ward flinched. "It was ringing and I found it."

"Can I get up?" Ward asked carefully.

"No." Ward's heart nearly stopped, and his head snapped up to look at Fitz again, his eyes wide and scared. "Who are you talking to?" Ward's heart skipped a beat, then another one. He wasn't talking to Garrett anymore, but that was the phone he'd been using to give Garrett updates on his mission. 

"I used to talk to Garrett on it." Ward whispered, and Fitz's eyes softened.

"You hid this from us. Even while it was ringing I barely found it. Why?" Fitz asked gently, leaning forward. Ward had several choices here, and they all filled him with fear. Lying, the first option that came to mind, made his stomach churn with shame. "Why would you hide a phone you use to talk to your old SO? I don't understand." Fitz offered Ward his hand, and Ward quickly and gratefully took it, sliding into his room and shutting the door, for the meager amount of privacy it afforded them.

"Because..." Ward choked on the lie as it tried to force its way out of his throat. Taking deep breaths, he made himself relax. "I told you there were things about my past I couldn't tell you." He finally said, and Fitz slowly shook his head. 

"Ward." Fitz said, sounding disappointing, and the sound tangled up the air in his lungs, making it hard to breathe. 

"Fitz... I worked for him. and he... he used to... He used to hurt me. He made me believe he was the only person who gave a damn about me. So I kept talking to him... because I believed him. I believed no one but him cared about me, that no one would. Then this team... You, you proved that he was wrong... and I stopped talking to him." Fitz put an arm around Ward and leaned into his side. 

"Is he the reason why you kneel?" Fitz whispered quietly, and Ward shook his head.

"No... Well, not exactly, but kind of. I kneel because I'm used to it. I guess I'm used to it because of Garrett, but I..." Ward paused. "No, you're right... he is... but, I _LIKE_ kneeling for you. I never liked it with him, it was humiliating... you make it safe." Ward admitted. Fitz sighed quietly, rubbing Ward's back.

"Please don't hide anymore. I understand if you... if you feel like you have to talk to him. I'll be here for you if you do." 

"Going Dark." He texted Garrett, and didn't wait for a response, he snapped the burner phone in two. "I won't be texting him again." Ward promised, and surprising himself, he meant it.


	2. Seven Nation Army

Fitz looked down at Ward, on his knees before him, his chest full to bursting, anxiously. He still didn't understand why Ward would want to kneel before him like this, but he wanted to be worthy of it, wanted to be worthy of the relationship he'd never known he'd wanted. At first, he'd told Ward to get up, but there was always a wounded, hurt look in those eyes when he did that Fitz hated. Ward only did it when they were alone, so Fitz supposed he could compromise. 

Ward looked so beautiful on his knees that it wasn't a hard compromise. Fitz didn't want Ward's eyes on the ground, looking away from him, he wanted them on him, and Ward obliged him. Together they had worked out a comfortable agreement for the both of them, or so Fitz hoped. Ward hadn't objected to looking up at Fitz when Fitz had requested it.

Fitz took deep calming breaths. He still couldn't believe the larger, stronger, deadlier man wanted him. Sometimes it felt like a colossal joke the older man was playing on him, and Fitz spent moments with bated breath wondering when the other shoe would drop. Ward could see right through him though, and at those moments, dropped to his knees and looked up at him with expectant eyes, just waiting, sometimes speaking to him in his atrociously accented Gaelic. 

That always made him smile, and helping Ward with his pronunciation always helped Fitz take his mind off his insecurities, but the times Ward remained silent, he still had to grapple with the internal battle of feeling utterly unworthy of what he was being offered. Ward's hands were turned up on his thighs, fingers relaxed, and his dark eyes stayed on Fitz's face, occasionally blinking, the picture of relaxation. 

Fitz paced slowly. "I've never really talked about my past... about what happened with my da." He admitted to Ward. "Simmons knows bits and pieces, of course, but not the whole thing, I've never told anyone." Part of him never wanted to tell anyone, in case knowing made them want to leave him too. "Truth be told, no one's ever really asked..." He stalled, and Ward tilted his head as he looked up at Fitz. He wanted to tell Ward, but he didn't want to lose this... whatever it was between them.

"You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to." Ward said. He had already admitted there were things in his past he wouldn't tell Fitz about, so Fitz could keep things if he wanted to, but Fitz didn't want to. Besides, Ward's things were probably classified, and that wasn't fair. 

"Sit with me. It's too long a story for you to stay on your knees the whole time." Fitz said, and offered Ward his hand. Ward smiled ruefully and got up, taking Fitz's hand, but smoothly rising from his knees without actually using the help. Fitz's mouth went dry at the sight, and he swallowed hard. He was so damned beautiful. "I don't know if this will be... chronological, at all, but I'll try to explain as best as I can, and hope it makes sense." Ward put an arm around Fitz and squeezed gently, leading them both to sit on the bed. Fitz was shaking already, he could tell.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-Flashback-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Fitz was just turned ten when his younger sister was born and his mother died on the same day. He couldn't blame the baby, his little sister, but he was so angry, so hurt and confused and upset his mother was gone. Fitz leaned over the crib, trying not to cry over his new baby sister. With watery eyes, he smiled at the crying baby and picked her up carefully, rocking the small girl in his arms, singing to her quietly, and she giggled.

She giggled, and his heart was filled with so much love for this tiny baby, he rocked her gently, playing with her fingers. No, it wasn't her fault, it could never be her fault. She was a little piece of his Mama, here to to be loved and cared for and taken care of. 

The day she died, Fitz screamed like his heart was being crushed. He'd had a baby sister for all of ten days, before she died. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Crib death. All the names the doctor said, and Fitz wasn't listening to any of them, he was screaming, screaming at the doctor, at his father, it had to be someone's fault, and he knew exactly whose fault it was. 

Fitz kicked at his father, struggled and bit him and screamed, screamed, screamed the worst things he could think of until his father dropped him. Fitz scrambled backwards, hiding under a table, sure he was going to get the belt, this was the worst he'd ever acted out in his life, and his father was always liberal with the belt before. Fitz couldn't even remember what he'd said, he'd just been screaming, trying to hurt his father, with words and fists and anything he could find.

"Stupid, worthless little asshole." His father swore, dragging Fitz out from under the table, and Fitz was sure he'd get the belt, but his father grabbed him by both arms and shook him so hard it felt like his teeth were rattling in his head. "You little shite. How fucking dare you? I put a roof over your head, well fine, you can keep the roof all to yourself if you think you can take care of yourself." His father dealt Fitz such a slap Fitz's head was ringing before he even his the floor. 

"I HATE YOU!" Fitz screamed, ignoring the way that his words made the ringing worse. "I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU! GO AWAY, I DON'T CARE!" Fitz screamed, throwing a shoe at his father's back, then the other one. "GO DRINK YOURSELF TO DEATH, I DON'T CARE! DON'T COME BACK!" 

"I won't." His father said, in a clear tone, very simply, and shut the door behind him. Fitz took deep breaths, gulping at air, tears blurring his vision from anger and pain. 

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

"I don't remember all of what I said to him." Fitz admitted quietly, afraid to look at Ward, afraid to see his reaction. "I just know I was trying to hurt him, I was so convinced it was all his fault, my mom, my sister, that I just screamed everything I could think of at him. I know I had more to say, about how he used to beat mom, how he'd beat me, about how if he'd just kept his dick in his pants mom would still be alive, if he'd taken care of my sister, she'd be alive... or maybe I just wanted to scream it at him again." Fitz's voice was nearly a whisper, and he put his head in his hands. "I drove him away. I drove him away forever."

Ward listened to Fitz's story and couldn't help but think of his own family and the things his mother used to do. This line of thinking only made him feel more for Fitz and if he had the words he would say something but words didn't feel right at the moment. He instead shook his head and put an arm around Fitz gingerly, unsure if the Scot would take his comfort. Fitz sighed heavily and leaned into Ward, easing some of Ward's awkwardness. 

"It wasn't fair though. None of it was his fault. I wasn't a good kid, and I got my mom hurt a lot because she'd get in the way. It's always been my fault. I always talked back, I couldn't sit there and take it. Mom taught me at home, you know. I'd never even been to school, and I didn't make things easy on her. I had a friend, a boy, and I kissed him, even though I knew I wasn't supposed to, Mom had told me I shouldn't, anywhere near the house. Dad beat my mom for putting gay thoughts in my head." Fitz said, wringing his fingers, still looking down. 

"I did all the things I shouldn't, I couldn't... I wouldn't behave, I kept antagonizing him, even though I knew I'd get hurt, I hated him so much I just wouldn't behave like I should. I got the belt all the time and it just made me more determined to be worse, to make him have to hear me, to make him have to look at me, to make him have to see me, really see me." Fitz's voice wavered. "I wanted him to hit me, looking back at it, it was the only time he ever really paid me any attention. I wanted everything. I wanted him to look at me, to take care of me, to love me. But he never did, and why would he? I was a stupid, worthless little shite, and-" 

"Hey." Ward interrupted gently. "No..." He said distraught. "You were a kid, just trying to get his attention. It's not your fault he was like that. It's not your fault, Fitz, breathe." Ward rubbed Fitz's back, slightly wishing he hadn't brought it up. He hated to see Fitz so upset. "I'm sorry I asked." 

"I needed to tell you." Fitz said, coming out of that dark place, into another one. "I needed to know if... if you'd still... If you'd still want to be around me when I told you." Ward again didn't know what to say to reassure Fitz. Ward rubbed his back gently, as Fitz took a deep breath, shakily. Luckily, Ward didn't have to say anything, because he was completely lost for words, taken aback by the complete trust Fitz had given him to not only share his past, but his insecurities. "It means so much to me that you didn't just walk out... that you're still here." Fitz leaned further into Ward, and Ward held him, letting Fitz put his head on his shoulder. What had Ward ever done to deserve this? This trust, this love?

Ward couldn't pretend he didn't miss the hardness of his future Fitz, the darkness of Dr. Fitz, but this love, this openness and trust, this sweetness was in it's own way, just as important to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These works are unbeta-ed. All mistakes are mine.


	3. Arius-Pushing buttons

Fitz was on his back on the floor of a cold room, when he got up it was to scream. Four grey walls echoed his scream back, three walls exactly the same as the others in height and breadth. The fourth wall was a different shade of grey, and as his eyes adjusted the more he was certain that that wall was different. It was some kind of forcefield, he realized, what kind he didn't have the words for, even in his head. 

"You're stuck in here with me now, you know." Said a mild voice, and he covered his ears. No, Grant Ward was gone, he'd been gone for a very long time, Grant Ward was dead, so why was Fitz in his cell with him in Vault D, in the playground? "They're not letting you go either."

"I don't belong in here." 

"Don't you? You tried to kill me." Fitz paused and looked back at Grant Ward, nodding slowly. 

"I'm sorry for that. I couldn't find words... but it's no excuse. I didn't mean to try to kill you, I just wanted to show you..." Ward was eating a strawberry, and he offered Fitz the plate. Fitz took one carefully, and they were sitting across from each other at a dinner table, eating chocolate dipped strawberries with honey. Fitz took a bite, and then another, making pleased sounds as he ate.

When he looked up from his strawberry, Ward was staring at him with something unreadable in his eyes. "You make me want you so much." Fitz choked on air and Ward was next to him, rubbing his back, kissing his cheek. 

"You don't want me yet." Fitz argued, shaking his head. "I haven't brainwashed you yet." 

"And yet, here I am, wanting you. What are you going to do about it?" Fitz ran from the table into a hallway. Grant was standing at the end of the hallway, and Fitz stopped dead in his tracks, looking back. Dead end. He looked back in front of him and yelped, jumping directly back into the wall. "You have me. What are you going to do with me?"

"I don't know!" Fitz shrank further into the wall. 

"I know exactly what to do with him." Whispered Dr. Fitz, running a finger down Ward's cheek. Ward turned to Dr. Fitz and kissed him, and they both slowly slid to the floor. Fitz shoved Dr. Fitz off Ward, panting for breath. 

"GET OFF HIM, STOP IT!" 

"You didn't want him." Dr. Fitz replied, standing and pulling Ward to his feet. "Get him." Fitz started running, and Ward chased him through darkened corridors. Fitz fell to the ground as Ward tackled him and he hit the ground hard. Ward pressed him down into the ground, trapping his arms over his head, and all of a sudden they were on a bed. 

"Oh, you're a romantic." Ward said mockingly as he tied Fitz's hands to the headboard. Fitz struggled to get loose, and Ward slid off of him, grabbing one of his legs. Fitz kicked out and struggled, jolting himself awake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that these aren't in any kind of chronological order. This Fic takes place on the Zephyr, during the time Ward was in the forest.


	4. Ready For It

Last night I dreamt of his hands on my throat again, his dark eyes staring deep into my soul like I was made of glass. I felt bare before him. I couldn't catch my breath, and it wasn't just his hands that made it so. His knee slammed between my thighs and I gasped for air as he forced my legs apart. 

His lips found my lips and despite his grip on me I moaned. He let go of my throat with one hand and grabbed me roughly, my cock was hard in his hand. I could feel his grin against my lips. 

"You want this." He laughed quietly into my mouth, and I shook my head. 

"No." I started to say, but his lips were on mine, smothering my protests. No, I didn't want this. My heart was pounding in my chest.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-  
"I want to try something with you, Fitz." Ward said, his eyes showing wariness, expecting to be rejected, which only made Fitz sit up further and pay more attention. Fitz cocked his head to one side and looked at Ward expectantly. Ward glanced away from that patient, loving gaze. "I told you... about what Garrett did to me. I told you about how he hurt me." He glanced up in time to see Fitz nod quietly. "I'm still struggling with it. Every day, I struggle with it more, and Lorelei... Ever since she-" Ward took a deep breath, and Fitz's hand was there on his arm like a warm steady weight. 

"I didn't have control over myself. It felt like I did, but I didn't, like with Garrett. I just believed him when he told me about what I wanted. In some ways, I did want it, because I didn't want him to leave me there forever." He held up a hand as Fitz opened his mouth, and Fitz fell silent. "I know. I know that's still coercion, that it doesn't change that it's still..." He couldn't bring himself to say the word. "But it doesn't feel like it. Because I agreed in some way, it feels like I have nothing to complain about... but I still have nightmares about it." Ward didn't want to see the pity in Fitz's eyes, so he didn't look up. His heart pounded in his chest.

"Or... I started having nightmares after her, anyway." Ward let out a breath, and Fitz squeezed his arm. Ward couldn't ignore the silent command, and he looked up slowly at Fitz who looked... determined, instead of the pitying look Ward was expecting. There was concern there too, but no pity, which relieved Ward. 

"You said you wanted to try something." Fitz said, determinedly. "Do you think it will help you?" Ward's heart squeezed in his chest at the words, and he couldn't make himself speak for a moment, so he just nodded in silence, his eyes on Fitz's young face, so determined, so ready, and he thought he would never get used to Fitz and how much he cared. "Then let's do it."

"I mean, I should probably try therapy at some point..." Ward replied meekly, and Fitz, instead of getting angry, just nodded. 

"You should, but if you think something will help right away, Im willing to do it too." Ward looked down at the ground. 

"I thought I was ready to talk about it, but I'm not." Ward admitted, and Fitz nodded slowly, looking at Ward's face. 

"Okay." Fitz replied gently, reaching out for Ward's hand, but not taking it, just offering it to him if he wanted it. Ward gently took it, still touched by how Fitz was always so thoughtful.


End file.
